Whether it is a smoothie, hummus or two could-be-jaded-but-militantly-hopeful individuals that have fallen in love (again) and dragged their offspring along for the ride…blended families are anything but smooth.
Sensual..oh yes…depending on the weather and glasses of Merlot consumed.
Smooth and flowing? Hell no.
I have spent 18 years navigating this minefield with a number of darling munchkins. Yes, I did get lost and emotionally blown up a couple of times, but I also graduated with a number of valuable lessons under my belt which I will now share (using outdated phrases we as parents should honestly no longer be using…)
FOMO
The Fear Of Missing Out. I get it. The adults didn’t want to miss out on another chance at love and new sex but it may not always be what the children are ready for. They did not opt into this and are on a different timeline to your hormones and bits. And in most instances, they are not prepared for it emotionally, mentally or psychologically. It’s important to engage the services of a certified therapist to help both parties navigate the process to Blended before you make any moves. Always remember that and, thereafter, always be kind and gentle to the little ones. If they test your patience…pop open a bottle of bubbles or pour a whiskey and chill…not only do you need it, you deserve it.
STAY IN YOUR LANE.
As a Bonus Parent, you are not the main actor – you are not the Starring. Supporting actor my friend – that’s what you are. In the wings (possibly cooking or cleaning…or crying..), waiting for a cue to be summoned to the main stage and share the spotlight. But as it is with acting and theatre you may go through many scenes without a speaking part – and that’s okay. As a Bonus Parent, it’s easy to justify why one needs to be consulted when it comes to the stepkids – after all, when they are at your house you take the role of Mom. And as “Mom” your opinion matters…right??!! But the hard truth is, it doesn’t.
Your opinion does not matter as much as you think it does and your partner does not need your opinion (especially when it’s not asked for). Your partner needs your support in their opinion. And when you don’t agree, save that for pillow talk behind closed doors. What matters most is your (public) support.
YOLO
I cannot stress this enough! Don’t do it if your heart isn’t in it. You only live once. Don’t waste an entire life being a shit Bonus Parent. It’s really not cool and it just makes you look like a douchebag. If you don’t like or want kids, don’t date a woman or man with kids and then waste days making the kids’ lives miserable or being that person that sends them to the grandparents so you can have the parent to yourself. There is a special place in hell for you.
DON’T CATCH FEELINGS
This is a tough one because step-parenting is one of those gigs that will have you at the “Feeling Station” all the time asking for a full tank of self-pity. You will find yourself swinging from one spectrum to another – sometimes with no safe middle ground to stop and take a breath.
● Kids will say things/compare you/criticise you…(or want Mommy after you have spent 8 hours taking care of their sick bodies while Dad naps).
● Partner Parents will do things that make you feel criticised, disrespected, undermined and unappreciated.
● Friends will notice things that make you question every life decision you have made.
Like I said…ALL the feelings!!
But what is key is taking time to understand where it all comes from…
● The comparison to Mom may be because the kids feel guilty that they are having a good time away from Mom and maybe are missing her.
● The criticism may be because Bio Mom is worrying she is losing her children to the new woman.
● Friends probably see how you are sacrificing yourself but not to your benefit.
Understanding the emotion behind the action is a step toward mature love and compassion. However, failing to understand can and will result in a loud, grating and painful blending process akin to those American garbage disposals – and this can leave everyone battered, bruised and bleeding.
Taking time to acknowledge and consider these dynamics sharpens the blades and makes the blending process smoother. Resulting in a delicious product…smooth and sensual in flow for your absolute pleasure – because at the end of the day, blended is beautiful.
I could go on about this but as it is with managing and creating a blended family, we take a day at a time.
Be kind. Give hugs.
Bren